Ramona Singer

Hanging Out with My Boyfriend and My Ex

Never thought I’d type that as an article title. Last night I felt like I was living a scene out of a reality TV show.

I’ll provide some background, 7 years ago to the exact day I started working at a restaurant in Vancouver that’s been open for 50 plus years. My first night at work I met a guy who I’ll call Joe. He started openly hitting on me as he does with basically all women that he meets. I remember specifically saying, “We should never been in a room alone together”. I thought he was attractive but I also felt like he seemed like a huge asshole. The prototypical bad boy. It took a few months for me to cave and start hooking up with him. I was so lonely at the time. It’d been a year and a half since I’d hooked up with anyone.

Joe was a player that was even more fucked-up than I imagined. After we hooked up for the first time he invited me over to his place in the morning. Once I arrived, this girl who I thought was his ex was there on his bed (clothed thankfully) and his male friend. They were all high on coke. Joe started rolling around on the bed with his male friend and trying to touch the girl. He then tried to come sit on the couch (aka which was really a backseat from a van) where I was and touch me. I wasn’t feeling it. Since it was early in the morning and they’d been up on coke all night, they passed out shortly after I got there. I made my quiet exit. Clearly that would have been more than enough to make a confident person walk away, but I wasn’t confident at the time. I was pulled in even more. I would make this guy like me.

The hook-ups with Joe continued. I became increasingly obsessed with him while he flaunted having sex with other girls and critiquing every part of my appearance in a negative manner. At work, he would yell at me and treat me like shit. And yet, I kept coming back for me. I wasn’t an innocent in all this. I was emotionally abusive myself. After he’d ditch me to go hang out with another girl I’d text him endless insults and harass him. We were both behaving in psychotic ways.

After months of conflict and continuing to hook-up, we got in an epic fight. Joe threw me down on his bed and put all his weight on top of me, without realizing my left wrist was being bent back. My wrist was sprained. I had never been in a physically abusive relationship before. Yet, this restaurant I was working at represented the first community I felt like I was a part of in Vancouver. I didn’t want to leave this community behind in order to stop being around Joe. Eventually, after a trip to the hospital for a night after a mental breakdown, I stopped all communication with Joe outside of work. Months after I had stopped seeing or texting him he yelled at me in front of the packed restaurant. That was the last shift I worked there. I quit and Joe stayed on.

My current boyfriend, Ian, also works at the same restaurant. I never hooked up with him until I quit working at the restaurant, but part of what helped me quit is that I felt like something could start with Ian and that made me excited and hopeful. I’ve been with Ian for 6 years now. I definitely don’t regret quitting the restaurant. I have a job I love that challenges me and is not in the restaurant industry.

Well, last night my boyfriend went to work and then he started texting me that the manager (who he was also in a band with and who he’s been friends with for over 20 years) told him that Joe smashed the Buddha statue at work and broke its finger off and lost it and quit the restaurant. Joe’s worked there for 17 years. Most people there have worked there for at least 10 years. People tend to stick around because there is a sense of community there that can be hard to find in Vancouver. But communities often have costs that come with being a part of the group.

By the time I picked my boyfriend up after work last night, he said that Joe had called him and was texting him. They’re not friends, but they have known each other for a long time. Joe was looking for some support.

We almost never hang out with Joe, but we invited him over since he lives a couple blocks away. Joe basically he said he reached his limit with another co-worker who likes to stir-up shit and he had to draw a line in the sand. He said he’s been working graves for this restaurant for 17 years and enough is enough, he can’t take it anymore.

This all led to Joe eventually apologizing for the circumstances surrounding how I quit the restaurant. He said sorry, which I’d never heard him say before. I also got an answer to a question I had always wondered about. The day I quit the restaurant 6 years ago, I went out to a bar that Ian and another co-worker (who Ian was fucking) were hanging out at. I had a crush on Ian but since he was hooking up with our co-worker, I didn’t know if anything would come of my crush and I didn’t think it was reciprocated.

I was sitting in the bar when Ian came down and sat beside me and said that the manager had called Ian to ask about me quitting. This made no sense since Ian wasn’t involved in the conflict between Joe and I. Apparently Joe told the manager to call Ian to find out why I quit. I was angry that Joe did this but also surprised. All of my feelings for Joe hadn’t been shared with anyone else. Joe had hit on me, but he was hitting on lots of people at that time–as he had just been brutally dumped by his girlfriend of 7 years. I was looking for someone that wanted to seriously date me. I didn’t want another Joe-like situation so I didn’t give in at that point to Ian’s advances.

Therefore, I was like, why the hell is Joe telling the manager to call Ian? What does Ian have to do with my quitting? Yes, in my mind part of what helped me quit was the hope something could happen with Ian (and I didn’t want to hook-up with a co-worker again), but how would Joe know that? I held on to that question for 6 years.

Finally, last night I asked Joe if he remembered telling the manager to call Ian after I quit 6 years ago. I explained I’d never hooked up with Ian at that point so what made Joe tell the manager to call Ian. Joe said that his dick is 4 inches but Ian’s is 5. Ian’s is bigger than 5. Ian is well-endowed but I’m not sure how Joe knows that. Anyways, to me this was Joe’s way of saying that he psychically or perceptively knew I was into Ian more than him when I quit. That’s kind of what I thought all along.

Last night was cathartic, because I apologized for being emotionally abusive. Joe apologized for doing things like taking a call from another fuck-buddy while in bed with me. That situation did really hurt me. I had to convince and beg him not to leave me and go pick up this other girl (who was supposedly walking the street in a short skirt drunk at dawn). My self-esteem was so low back then. I’m still not nearly as confident as I want to be, but observing Joe last night with his red-wine stained lips, greasy hair and bad B.O. reminded me of how far I’ve come. I didn’t feel attracted to Joe. I felt bad for him and like he hasn’t changed one bit. His rage issues are still running his life. It sounded more like he’s been fired from the restaurant than his initial claim that he quit. The apology helped though. It really did. Also, it made me love Ian more for helping Joe out in a time of need by letting him have us to talk to and for helping me let go of some past shit.

Too bad it wasn’t filmed, because it would have been quite entertaining I think!

RHONY-Should Renew Sonja’s Contract After Lines Like This: “Cause When That Woman(Ramona)’s Gettin’ Banged, She’s Happy!”

Ha! Sonja said this about Ramona this week that when Ramona and Mario (her ex-husband) used to be married, he was banging her every night (or I guess every night when he wasn’t banging someone else, since she acknowledged he was a cheater—totally had that vibe, too). Sonja is in a hot tub in Mexico on this weeks episode of Real Housewives of New York City as she says about Ramona that she’s sad because she’s not getting enough sex.

Sonja displays her clever wit and no shame in the jokes game when she says about Ramona, “’cause when that woman’s getting banged, she’s happy!” Man, Sonja is funny!

Andy Cohen knows that with lines like that Sonja is going to be some dollars sent her way next season too.

REAL HOUSEWIVES OF NEW YORK CITY: Circus of Emotions/I Have Not Been a Good Friend to You

Right out of the gate, LuAnn and her impending wedding to Tom D’Agostino is the focus of the episode, with forays into other people’s issues and lives of course, but it all seemed to somehow circle straight back to the women’s belief that Luann is making a huge mistake in marrying Tom.

I can see that they are contributing to Luann’s decision TO marry Tom, since they’re shaming her and crapping on her, and Luann probably feels so attacked she will stick to her guns rather than be bullied out of what she wants (since the women have now reached a level that would feel like bullying). And it’s already know that Luann is married to Tom in real life.

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(Tom and Luann)

Dorinda tells the camera, “I’m concerned i want to make sure she feels very comfortable about getting married”. This all sounds good, but enough is enough. Stop picking on Luann ladies, and just led her do her thing.

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(Dorinda Medley, 52, in Miami: lookin’ good)

Luann is in Dorinda’s living room at her home in the Berkshires and she says as a defense to the women’s critique of Tom’s female friends (and more?), “Jacques and I still text each other. I’m not going to change a 49 year-old man from who he was,” is what Luann says to shut the other women down.

This statement is interesting. I think it is very true. Luann is focusing on what is likely the truth here without denying that Tom hooks up with other women. All Luann does confirm is that she maintains a friendship with her ex and that you can’t change people. Avoidance. Yes. I see what you’re saying Luann. What if they did have an open relationship? Would people accept that? Nope. So I can see Luann’s frustration in that she can’t win either way.

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(Ramona Singer with those eyes…gotta love her)

Ramona pipes in, “He’s still kissing other women”. Ramona is so annoying because if anyone were to criticize Mario for his man-whoring ways (it was always obvious he was a player) Ramona would have lost it on people and been hyper-defensive about her marriage. As much as I love Ramona, this double standard makes her someone who I think that it would be hard to be friends with. Ramona is full of love, hilarious, and inspiring, but her intensity could be hard to take if I were her friend.

Luann throws out an argument that I don’t think stands up really when trying to prove someone isn’t a cheater. Luann says, “He’s with me all the time. 24/7” about her then-fiance Tom. Um. It’s actually impossible to be together all the time. But the fact that you hangout together 24/7, and you’re speaking in such a way that you want to prove you always have an eye on him, makes makes me wonder if Luann is insecure and so she wants to make sure she babysits Tom as much as possible, so he stops embarrassing her with the public hook-ups (if these hookups are actually happening…still speculative at this point).

The conversation ends with Luann saying, “I don’t have to explain myself.” That is true. I hate it when I feel backed against a wall and like I do have to explain myself. I don’t like spending time with people who make me feel that way.

“Sometimes you feel like the train has left the station, and you don’t know if you’re going to go through with it…” is what Bethenny says to Luann, trying to encourage her to get out before the wedding takes place.

“He has women friends. So?” LuAnn says to Bethenny in response.

Ramona then hits home about how he’s a repeat offender.

“I’m trying to protect her. Down the road this is going to happen again.” Ramona says.

She knows because of her relationship with Mario. Her ex-husband and big cheater. Apparently she caught Mario, the father of her 20-something daughter Avery, with another women at their home in the Hamptons. Ramona then gets overwhelmed and highly emotional while saying in typical Ramona-style, “It’s only going to get worse Luann, it’s nog going to get better”.

“Maybe there is something deeply hidden in there that it happened to me, so it’s going to happen to you.” Dorinda has this theory about Ramona’s response to Luann’s relationship. I think that Dorinda is dead-on!

Luann refuses to waver and states, “I wouldn’t walk down that aisle unless I was 100%. We are confident in who we are and we trust each other”.

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(Tom, Luann, Luann’s son Noel, and I’m guessing his girlfriend)

“Tricked guy syndrome is the guy who’s not that cute, gets a little bit of money later and needs to prove to everybody that they can have sex” is what Bethenny says about Tom. That is probably the case. I’ve known a few men like that who constantly needs to pursue any woman who responds to them because of insecurity. It sucks immensely to be with men like that.

Dorinda talking to her housekeeper Len is kind of funny, because I think it shows Dorinda’s bossiness. I’d like to be her friend, but I wouldn’t want to work for Dorinda.

Bethenny: “Luann’s like the Trump of relationships…Tom making out in a bar with a woman…that’s like locker room stuff…” I think Bethenny means to Luann it’s no big deal.

Finally, some Tinsley. Tinsley says, “I can relate to Luann sometimes you just don’t want to listen in my situation. It took a great fall (getting arrested) to realize…” the error of her ways.

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(Tinsley)

Bethenny is using Tom’s dick for her stand-up routine this week:

  • “His dick shoots diamond out the ends” Bethenny about Tom
  • “Tom must have a 48 karat penis. If that thing can handle Luann, it must be good”.

Ramona says to Sonja about Ramona’s rift with Bethenny: “I have to realize who she is…I made a big mistake. It wasn’t out of maliciousness and I will tell her this at some point…I’m confused and I’m never confused. I need to figure out a way to tell her without her telling me I’m the apologizer”.

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The focus throughout the episode remains on relationships. I like that and I think it’s interesting. Tinsley can’t date younger men anymore. “You really just have to go with your cut and your instinct and your heart”. This is Luann’s piece of advice to Tinsley.

“My instinct got me in the fucking toilet bowl,” Bethenny about her failed marriage. Dark.

“I am in a torture chamber…I’m in a very, very negative, torturous situation and I’m holding on by a thread. You’ll never know. Hopefully, you’ll never know” Bethenny to Luann. This is scary if Bethenny isn’t exaggerating. I know she’s in an excruciating amount of pain, but maybe not quite as much as a torture chamber.

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(Bethenny’s ex-husband Jason, her daughter Bryn, and Bethenny during happier times)

Luann is kind of saving the day here. Bethenny needs to stop publicly shitting on her daughter’s father. I don’t know what Jason Hoppy has done, but this sounds freaky. Either Bethenny is unfairly characterizing Jason in a negative manner, or if he is as cruel as she says he is, then I wonder if he has mental health problems. The torment Bethenny describes sounds like the work of someone who is not doing well mentally.

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(Bethenny and Luann)

“I didn’t go through shit. I’m in shit,” Bethenny about her relationship with her ex-husband and the father of her daugher.

“I thought you were done,” Luann says seeming genuinely concerned.

“I’ll never be done,” Bethenny says back to Luann. Wow. “I’m in goddamn hell and it will not end and it will never end,” is what Bethenny adds.

Then Bethenny goes on to say, “I sometimes feel hopeless and I sometimes feel like my ex is untouchable and I’m not going to be able to get out of this”.

That is really sad. I love Bethenny, so I hope she gets better.

Luann is the bigger person and doesn’t prey on Bethenny, like Bethenny did to Luann a year ago when Bethenny even called Luann a slut.

Then the Bethenny breakdown starts. Bethenny starts begging Luann not to marry Tom.

“It’s sad. It makes me sad,” is what Ramona says about Bethenny’s sadness and ex drama. I don’t believe that Ramona is able to look past her current blockage with Bethenny to have true compassion for Bethenny.

“I’m not going to share myself with anyone. I don’t share myself with anybody. I’m not ok.” is another disturbing thing that Bethenny tells Luann and Luann comforts her.

As insane as reality TV is, I do think there is something beneficial and cathartic about openly depicting the level of sadness and depression Bethenny is going through.

At this point in the night, Bethenny hopes Ramona will steer clear. Yeah, right!

Rhonyc Ramona Bethenny tense

So begins the elephant in the room talk.

Ramona’s defensive face is the same as my Mom’s. When Bethenny complains about how judgmental Ramona looks, Ramona responds with, “Bethenny I’m very expressive. That’s who I am. I’m emotional”. That kind of response is exactly what my own crazy old Mom would do too. It’s hard to talk to someone who is as emotional as my mom or Ramona.

“You have not been a good friend to me,” says Bethenny to Ramona.

“Are you fucking kidding me, Bethenny? I HAVE NOT BEEN A GOOD FRIEND TO YOU…” Ramona looks like she’s been possessed by the devil at the end of this episode so I’ll definitely have to tune in next week (as always).

REAL HOUSEWIVES OF NEW YORK CITY: Tinsley Mortimer’s Mom Dale Is Harsh About Weight

(The above picture is of Tinsley, her mom Dale, and her sister Dabney Mercer)

So Tinsley took it a few steps deeper tonight by having her mom Dale (who is alive and very pulled-together) and her father (who was cremated in a wood box in the episode) share her screen time.

Whoa. Once Tinsley starts talking to her Mom about her childhood, she talks about coming home from camp and if she was skinny her Mom would give her a huge hug and act really happy to see her, but if she was bigger her Mom would limply hug her and show disappointment.

That sucks. While I was never really hot in high school because I ate too much food and didn’t exercise for most of high school, but I’m glad my Mom didn’t tell me to lose weight. Society and my own brain were pressure enough.

Dale, Tinsley’s Mom, looks incredible, since she must be in her 60s, so I respect her game in terms of maintaining her looks, but I wonder if she’ll maintain a facade at any and all costs.

I wanna know what Tinsley’s mom Dale said when Tinsley got arrested.